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Sunday, 18 March 2018

Classic Rant: Real Magick ON RPGs: How I Got my Albion Softcovers

On the evening before I left home for a trip back to Canada, I found a note from the postman: there was a package waiting for me. I was pretty sure it was the Dark Albion softcovers from Amazon that I'd been waiting for.

This was a problem. I knew for sure that if I didn't pick them up somehow, it would be impossible that they'd still be around in a month's time. The Uruguayan postal service just doesn't work that way.
Unfortuntely, to get someone else to pick it up, I'd need to fill out an authorization sheet, with their ID number, AND leave them a photocopy of my own ID card.

Here was the problem: it was 7pm when I got the notice. Every conceivable place that might have a photocopier was closed. Furthermore, I was about to go to a Masonic meeting I couldn't avoid, which would last until about 1am, and then hightailing it out of town the next morning at 6.45am, long before any of the aforementioned photocopier places might open. Such are the complexity of living in a latinamerican country.

So, I quickly messaged the friend of mine who would be watching the house, and got his ID, and filled out the form. Knowing it was a longshot beyond that, I quickly did an invocation of my own augoeides, or tutelary spirit (what is often called the "Holy Guardian Angel" or "HGA" in modern magick). Having invoked, I then shifted myself into the astral plane, creating a mental image of the area that I was about to go to, the neighbourhood around my Lodge. My goal was to see if there was any direction, indication, of anything within about a 2 block radius that would be open and have a photocopier (a highly unlikely prospect). I immediately got a sense of the spot one bus stop beyond my regular stop to go to Lodge.

So off I went. I knew there was in fact a grocery store there, but was absolutely certain (having gone often) that they had no photocopier. As far as I recalled there was no other shop there except a florists, and certainly nothing that would give me cause to have any expectation of a postiive outcome.
So when I got off the bus, I look over at the opposite corner and see that there is in fact a very small kiosk (the sort of place that sells cigarettes, cookies, only very basic stuff). It seemed impossible to me that this place, that I'd never stepped into, would have a photocopier, but it was really the only credible chance. And in spite of having never even merited my notice before now, the moment I stepped off the bus the corner kiosk seemed to jump to my attention, as though astrally illuminated.

I stepped in, finding the usual (fairly meager) selection of basic necessities this kind of third world answer to the convenience store tends to have: newspapers, some sweets, flasks of booze, a small fridge with cold drinks, nothing fancy. There was a young woman at the counter; I asked her "this may sound really strange but do you by ANY strange chance have a photocopier?"

I swear to Christ this next bit happened exactly this way: the young lady grinned as if overjoyed that I had asked, saying "why yes we do!" and she stepped out of the way, waving her hand the way a game show presenter might when Pat Sajak just told you that you'd won a new car, and there right behind her counter there was an apparently pristine small size photocopier. It was as if years ago on some whim the shop owner had thought it would be a great investment for his little shop to have, only to have had it laying there untouched since that time because who in their right mind would even imagine a corner kiosk like this one would have a photocopier? 

So there you have it. I got my photocopies, left them at the house for my friend with my authorization for him to pick my mail up, and headed off into the sunset (actually, the sunrise, but whatever).

And today, my housesitting friend sent me this:

Magick, baby!


PS: here's the kicker:  about a month ago I needed to make some photocopies in that area again, and so I went to that store. The guy at the counter there said that they don't make photocopies, and haven't in years.

(Originally Posted August 20, 2015)

Saturday, 17 March 2018

I Never Thought Godhood Would Come This Easy

Them, when I Trigger Every SJW Swine in the RPG Hobby at once: "How can we take down the Pundit? I know! We'll call him The Final Boss of Internet Shitlords!"

Me: "Wooooo! I did it!! SUCK IT, MILO!!"

And all this just because I disagreed with their notion that people who don't play RPGs (and maybe even dislike RPGs) should get to be policy-determining members of the RPG "Community".

In other words, I said "D&D should be for people who play D&D".

Who knew Godhood would come so easy?


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Oversize + H&H's Chestnut

PS: of all the swine I've been dealing with, my favorite so far was this one guy, "Darren Steele". 
He demanded that we go to private DMs to talk, because he "didn't want this to be about ego or point-scoring". 
He did this AFTER he posted a link to a Youtube video he performed himself where he basically CALLED ME A NAZI IN SONG.

PPS: Before anyone tries the joke here too, don't worry, I'm sure Milo won't take my statement about him 'sucking it' literally. He can tell I'm being metaphorical because my cock isn't black.  

Friday, 16 March 2018

Continuing the RPGPundit Shitstorm of 2018

So, yesterday I literally didn't have time to blog, because I was responding to twitter outrage for the ENTIRE DAY.

It's still going on. So really, if you want to see it all, check out my tweets & replies on my Twitter account, or search twitter for it.

It's been hilariously fun.  Crushing their posts based on 'feelings' with my rational argument and mockery.

Plus made some interesting new friends, and had some very interesting conversations.

The funniest part was when Jeremy Crawford said he "never saw anything I wrote".

That's totally true, actually, as far as I recall. See, I never worked with Jeremy Crawford.

I worked with HIS BOSS, Mike Mearls. That is to say, above him. I have hundreds of emails dated 2012-2014 of Mike and I talking about all kinds of things (including some things I bet Mike wouldn't want to me to mention in this current climate). I would talk to him, and then Mike (I presume) would write to Crawford about what to do.

Anyways, keep checking it out. Back to the trenches for me.


Currently Smoking: Brigham Anniversary Pipe + Peterson's Wild Atlantic

CORRECTION: in an earlier version of this blog I incorrectly claimed that it was "Chris Perkins" who had written a snippy little comment about me.
As several keen readers have now pointed out, it was in fact Jeremy Crawford.
My sincerest apologies to Chris Perkins.
It's just that it's very hard for me to remember which of Mike's underlings was which.  As I said, I didn't really work with any of them almost at all. I worked extensively and directly with THEIR BOSS, Mike Mearls.
I can hardly be blamed for forgetting the name of Crawford, who was literally a man too low on the totem pole for me to interact with.

Again, sorry to Chris Perkins who as far as I know has said nothing about me.

Wednesday, 14 March 2018

Are CriticalRole Fans Gamers? Watch me Gatekeep!

So, I haven't posted yet today because of an epic shitshow of a Twitter fight, where I've been busy taking on all comers from a gang of hipster-gamers.

The subject? What has prompted countless tweets? Is it Trump? The environment? Transgender rights?

Nope. It's that I had the audacity to suggest, on this thread, that D&D Livestream Youtube Shows like "Critical Role" are not actually a lot like what you see in most real games; and the shit especially hit the fan when I dared to suggest that.. and I know this was crazy of me.. that people who watch these shows but don't game aren't actually gamers. 

Here's what I said:

"If they PLAY, they're #DnD gamers. If they just watch actors on a Youtube Reality-Show, they're not."

Well, you wouldn't believe the number of hipster gamer types who rushed forward howling in outrage that I would dare to suggest that people who never ever play D&D aren't actually D&D players. As if this wasn't so obvious it slides into tautology territory.

No, to them, it was incredibly offensive of me to say that if you've never played D&D even once you aren't actually a D&D gamer, no matter how many episodes of CriticalRole you've watched.

Note: I made it very clear, over and over again, that I wasn't 'gatekeeping' ANYONE who had actually played. I was saying, for the purposes of this argument, that if you've ever sat down and played an RPG even one single time I'll accept you're a gamer, but if you haven't ever, never ever, played an RPG, that makes you a NON-GAMER.  You know, because you haven't ever played.

For the whole glorious spectacle you'll need to check out the tweets & replies section of my Twitter account. Which, I don't know why, it seems you can only do if you're logged into Twitter (anyone know how to change that??).

But anyways, I've spent the whole day on this. It's been hilarious. I figured I'd get a fuckton of people pissed off when I pointed out that D&D YouTube shows are just that, shows. With paid actors and fake enthusiasm, and that they are not much like actually playing D&D, and they are almost destined to create a whole generation of disappointed players who think they should be getting the "look at the hipster-cool  nerd thing I'm doing!! OMG High-Five Wooo So Random" experience they see from the PAID ACTORS on shows like CriticalRole.

(yeah, no chance these guys are just a group of paid actors looking to make money and expand their careers by making prefab scenes and 80s nostalgia to milk rubes who think its all real)

I didn't figure I'd get a fuckton of people trying to claim that if you never played D&D in your life you are still a vital part of the "D&D Community" if you watch shows like Critical Role.  That watching the show makes you a gamer, even if you haven't ever played the game.

You know, like how if I were to go watch the new Paddington Bear movie, that would make me a reader.
Or British.
Or a tribesman from Darkest Peru.
Or, you know, a bear.

Go on, howl about how intolerant I am by daring to say that every single fucking person who's ever played is a gamer but people who have NEVER played are not. 

See this? This is the world you fucking millennials have created. Where you literally have people claiming I have no right to say SOMEONE WHO NEVER GAMED is not a gamer, if they "feel" like they are.

But fortunately, I'm the RPGPundit. And if someone actually has to be called a 'gatekeeper' for stating the moronically obvious to stop the slide into total 'up is down' relativism, I'll be glad to do it for all of you. So here goes:

I don't give a twopenny fuck about your (a)moral objections you fucking Swine. 

People who do not play RPGs are not part of the RPG Community. PERIOD. 

Fans of YouTube vaguely-D&D-themed Prefab Reality-Shows who have themselves never actually played D&D are NOT GAMERS. PERIOD. 

See that? Gate, kept.


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Volcano + Blue Boar

Tuesday, 13 March 2018

Uncanny Creatures and Objects of the Middle-Northern Wilderlands!

Yes, today we have a new Pundit Presents, and this one is a book of gonzo monsters and antagonists, plus some special items too; all for just $2.99!

From the annals of the RPGPundit's (in)famous Last Sun gonzo fantasy campaign, this supplement brings you a variety of curious creatures and interesting objects that can be found in the Middle-Northern Wilderlands.

What kind of creatures and objects are in Uncanny Creatures and Objects of the Middle-Northern Wilderlands?  You get:

-The Archemaster! And his evil snowmen!

-The Cactus People

-Giant Chickens 

-The Circle of Really Old Wizards!

-The Disco Cube

-Giant Plains Snails

-Hillbilly Giants

-The Hypno-naga

-The Mountain Dragon

-The Mutant Discovery-Scout Elves of Camp Hee-Haw!

-Pythian Androids

-Scottish Mutant Barbarians

-The Succubus Princess

-Sword Octopi

-Middle-Northern Wilderland Zombies

Also, a variety of objects found in the region including control collars, folding mithril-thread tents, Pythian weapons and armors, and the Pythian War Mecha!

So if you like gonzo gaming, don't miss this one!

You can pick up Uncanny Creatures and Objects at RPGnow, or at the Precis Intermedia store.

And while you're at it, be sure to pick up the rest of the great supplements in the RPGPundit Presents series:

RPGPundit Presents #1: DungeonChef!

RPGPundit Presents #2: The Goetia  (usable for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #3: High-Tech Weapons

RPGPundit Presents #5: The Child-Eaters (an adventure scenario for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #17: The Hunters (an adventure for Lion & Dragon!)

RPGPundit Presents #21: Hecate's Tomb (an adventure for Lion & Dragon!)

Stay tuned for more next week!


Currently smoking: Brigham Anniversary + Image Latakia

Monday, 12 March 2018

Cursed SPANISH Artifacts

Or rather, Cursed Artifacts is now available IN SPANISH.

I have to rush off to the Lodge, but you can now get RPGPundit Presents #22: 13 Cursed Artifacts of Renown in Spanish (also available on the Precis Intermedia Website)!

Esta selección de artefactos malditos (aunque potencialmente útiles) es perfecta para juegos medievales de corte realista (como León & Dragón), pero lo suficientemente genéricos como para resultar útiles en cualquier campaña de fantasía, especialmente aquellas que usen reglas OSR. Sorprende a tus PJs con artefactos como la Maza Colmena, la Caja Dybbuk o la Máscara del Guerrero.

This selection of cursed but potentially useful artifacts is intended for medieval-authentic games (like Lion & Dragon), but general enough to be useful in any fantasy campaign, especially those utilizing OSR rules. Spring such artifacts as the Beehive Mace, Dybbuk Box, or Warrior Mask on your PCs. 

All for just $1.99!

You can also get 13 Cursed Artifacts in English here!


Currently Smoking: Lorenzetti Solitario Egg + Country Doctor

Sunday, 11 March 2018

Wild West Campaign Update: The Contessa's Secret

The session opened up with Jackson, still in East Vegas. He'd been lingering around on account of a prostitute he'd taken a real liking to. But one fine day he was witness to John Joshua Webb putting three bullets into Michael Killiher, a local saloon-owner, when the latter refused to pay an exorbitant $1900 is "taxes" to Hoodoo Brown. No one got why Brown demanded this of him, suspecting it was to make an example of Killiher, who seemed to be trying to expand his own influence in the town and weaken Brown's position. What no one knew was that Hoodoo had been having an affair with Killiher's wife. He'd basically sent Webb to provoke a situation that would give an excuse to get rid of Killiher.

Unfortunately, Brown didn't know that the Santa Fe Railroad was done protecting him.  And because Killiher had a position and connection in Las Vegas, the good people of that neighboring town came down with a posse of heavily armed hood-wearing vigilantes with badges, and systematically cleaned out the town.

John Joshua Webb was captured and arrested.  Dirty Dave Rudabaugh, Mysterious Dave Mather, and Dutch Henry all rode out of town by the skin of their teeth. And Hoodoo? He snuck over to Las Vegas, picked up Killiher's widow and ran off with her. The last anyone would hear of him is that he got to Texas and with his lover crossed over into Mexico... and then into history. The mystery man was never seen again.

As for Jackson, he managed to figure out that it was time to go, and got on the last train out of town with his friend Smiley the Scotsman. They made their way to Tombstone.

In Tombstone, Kid Taylor was settling in with his high-demand wife Frances, the Judge's daughter. While their house was being built she demanded that Taylor maintain her in the lifestyle she was accustomed to, which meant a month of living in the Tombstone Grand Hotel and eating every day in one of Tombstone's two French restaurants. Also, expensive dresses that were arriving in the silver boom-town from distant Paris.

He'd promised her to turn a new leaf, and along with that he was trying to get everyone to stop calling him "Kid". He figured that since he was going to be working with Doc Thomas in his medical practice, he might as well be known as Doc Taylor from now on.

Unfortunately, not everyone had got the message. Virgil and Wyatt Earp both knew him from Dodge, and were having trouble referring to him as anything other than "Kid". He was also sufficiently well-known that when he first met Curly Bill Brocius, the de-facto leader of the Cowboy Gang, Curly Bill would also refer to him as Kid Taylor.

Curly Bill offered Taylor a chance to join the Cowboys, but Taylor claimed he was retired from gunfighting.

The two Millers had begun settling in, and things were proceeding well when Crazy Miller got news of his friend John Joshua Webb's arrest. The first instinct was to get some guns and try to break him out, but cooler heads prevailed, thanks to the advice of Miller's colleague and madame Miss Scarlet. Instead, Crazy Miller wrote to his assistant back in Dodge telling him to hire Webb the best lawyer he could find, and wrote another letter to Bat Masterson asking him for help. Even so, he left it pretty clear that if all else failed and Webb was sentenced to hang, he'd be going to Las Vegas to spring him.

Meanwhile, Jackson and Smiley arrived. Jackson was trying to adjust to Tombstone, which was still a pretty easygoing town but definitely not the lawless place East Vegas was; and that also meant that it wasn't quite as welcoming to a black man, regardless of whether he'd previously been a lawman or not.

Smiley had largely been motivated to come to Tombstone because Miller and Miss Scarlett had taken along Hilda, the plus-sized prostitute that Smiley was in love with. He fawned over her, but she was mostly in it for the money, and when Smiley had quickly spent his month's salary on her, he fell into a depression. Somewhere along the way as he wandered Tombstone in the night heartbroken and penniless, he met some friendly Cowboys, who quickly cheered him up. By the time Jackson found him, Smiley was wearing the red sash of that infamous gang.

This could prove to be a problem, since the rest of the PCs were already getting hints that there could end up being trouble with the Cowboys. Other Miller had (last session) watched them at work, massacring a village full of Mexican banditos. And their friend (and Pima County Marshal) Virgil Earp was figuring it would be only a matter of time before he had to arrest some cowboys for cattle rustling or stagecoach-robbery, which would lead to a conflict between him and the whole 200-strong Cowboy gang.

Jackson, on the other hand, was not bothered by any of this. He figured they could manipulate the rather unintelligent scotsman to keep tabs on the Cowboys. The others quickly agreed to that plan.

Meanwhile, Crazy Miller's childhood friend who was now a Contessa had come to him with a problem: someone was blackmailing her, threatening to reveal sordid details of her troubled past back in Chicago when she'd been the unmarried kept-girl of a gangster. Miller agreed to help and they soon found out that her blackmailer was one of the former men of this gangster, who was now apparently being hunted down by his own former fellows, for having failed to pay back some money. They confronted him and agreed that they'd pay the rather large sum he needed if he swore to leave the Contessa alone from then on. They arranged a meeting for later that night where the money would be exchanged.

Kid Taylor was having his own problems. One of the Cowboys, a young guy who liked to call himself "Kid" Billy Claiborne, was not happy about another "Kid" (Taylor) being in town. It was bad enough for Claiborne that everyone knew Billy The Kid and hardly anyone knew him, but now to have another moderately famous gunfighter in town named "Kid" was just too much for him to bear.

Taylor ran into Claiborne at the Crystal Palace Saloon, where he was accompanied by a sizable number of Cowboys.  Curly Bill was there, along with the deadly Johnny Ringo, and also Ike and Billy Clanton (sons of Cowboys' co-leader "Pa" Clanton) and Tom and Frank McLaury (another important Cowboy family).  They were all drinking there with Smiley.

Fortunately, Curly Bill saved the day, telling the bellicose Kid Billy to back off. The Cowboys didn't want any trouble with a guy who could take out their bullet wounds.  When Taylor explained he didn't want to be called "Kid" anymore, and Billy was welcome to the nickname as far as he was concerned, the situation was defused.

While all this was going on, Taylor's wife had been busy. She'd met a charming and eccentric man named Buckskin Frank Leslie, a former army scout and railroad man who had just arrived in Tombstone with a decent wallet-full of money and was charming all the female guests and staff at the Grand Hotel. Frank Leslie was looking for a partner to buy the Cosmopolitan Saloon, across the street from the Grand, and to rebuild it into a high-end hotel to compete with the Grand.  It was a sound idea, but Doc Taylor didn't have the money for it. Yet this wouldn't stop Frances. She was determined they would get in on this so she wired her father, Judge Wright, back in Dodge. He agreed to lend them the $4000 they'd need, interest free. Like it or not, Kid Taylor was now the business partner with Frank Leslie, who he found a little smarmy. His concerns faded a little, at least, when he learned that Frank wasn't hot for his wife, but for May Killeen, the serving girl at the Grand Hotel; though it turned out she was also married and Taylor figured this wasn't likely to stop Frank.

The two Millers went to pay off the would-be blackmailer, in the alley behind the Grand Hotel. The payoff (using the Contessa's money) looked like it was going to go off just fine, but then suddenly shots started to ring out. The two PCs figured out that the shots were coming from the Contessa's room in the hotel.  Crazy Miller and the blackmailer ran into the corral at the other end of the alley, while Other Miller went up the hotel stairs toward the Contessa's room.

It turned out that the Contessa's husband, the rich Texan rancher, had discovered what was going on, and decide then and there that he was going to shoot the blackmailer dead.  He was willing to forgive his wife, but he would be damned if he was going to let the blackmailer get away with his money. This did not amuse Other Miller even a little bit, who all but called the Texan a coward for firing from a second floor window. The Texan argued that it was the best shot he could take.

Crazy Miller had gotten into the corral, where the blackmailer's horse was. They still weren't sure that the shots weren't from killers sent by the blackmailer's former boss. He begged Crazy Miller to give him the money and he'd get out of there. But Crazy Miller decided to lie and claim he hadn't brought the money. The blackmailer pointed a gun at Miller, and Miller handed over a couple of hundred dollars he had in his other pocket; it wasn't nearly enough to pay off the debt he owed, but the blackmailer decided to take his chances and cut out on his horse.

The next day, the Contessa and her Texan husband left town for good. Other Miller (who was worried Crazy Miller was getting too close to her) was glad to see the back of her.
The day after that, Virgil Earp came back from hunting down the blackmailer. He'd found him, but the blackmailer was already dead, and the money he stole from Crazy Miller was gone. He couldn't say if it had been Cowboys or some of the Chicago mob that had killed him.

That was it for this session. Tombstone certainly looks like it's going to be an interesting town.